I have a shopping problem and I am ashamed.
I have a shopping/buying compulsion. I don’t want to say addiction because that has some other implications I don’t want to claim. I’m embarrassed by it. I have mentioned it to some people, but not to the extent it really is. It goes beyond “shopping is fun!” and into some weird trance state. At the end of the semester I got nervous about writing a paper, and I jumped up, hopped in my car, and drove to a TJ Maxx and wondered around in a daze, collecting many things that I wanted to “buy” I had a moment of clarity and just put them all back on a rack and left the store.
I will browse asos.com endlessly, through the thousands of options and add them to my cart. I will buy them, assuring myself that they can have free returns. I am surprised asos hasn’t banned me from all the buying/returns I’ve made.
I hate that this problem is a part of capitalism and consumption culture, where my brain is releasing something when I think about buying something. It’s different than just OWNING the thing. It’s the transaction, the possibilities, the transfer of object into my care.
Is buying and returning things unhealthy behavior? It’s not GREAT, but it keeps me out of (more) debt. I get the rush of the buying with none of the regrets.
I just learned about Amazon Prime Wardrobe. Is this going to be my cure or my downfall? You can order up to eight items of clothing, and they will not charge you for seven days after you receive it, giving you a chance to decide. I do have an order coming, and I am excited to get the delivery updates and to get to open a box and see what I “picked.” I can try it on but still send it back, and my credit card will be untouched.
This is a slippery slope. It could be bad, it could help me. But how often will I do this? I don’t trust myself. If I am having a bout of anxiety I know I am going to want to fill up that cart and hit “deliver.”
There are a couple of reasons why this has become a problem for me: loneliness. I’m isolated sometimes and my brain tricks me thinking that things will fulfill me in the meantime.
It’s also my surgery. I fit into more things, so there is more possibilities. Before I was limited to certain clothes, the choice was made for me. Now I try on things and a lot of them fit, and I somehow have this feeling that I am OWED this opportunity to own them since I couldn’t before.
So, readers, if you have this same behavior and are willing to share, I’m curious. This goes beyond the idea of loving clothes and fashion. This isn’t affecting my life to a detriment but I hate it and am ashamed, so putting it out there somehow should set me free?